Some discounted tickets still available via my website at this URL,
http://jokesatthejoyntseanflannery.eventbrite.com/

(this Tuesday, 12/29/2009, at 9:30 PM. The Joynt is at 650 North Dearborn)

http://www.thelincolnlodge.com/home.html

(the short of it is: 9 PM, 4008 N Lincoln Ave, $10)

Jessica:    ”we also need to get those child safety belts for the new TV- to secure it”
Me:            ”yeah, but we have plenty of time before we need that.”
Jessica:    ”what are you talking about?”
Me:            ”the baby isn’t due until June 1st”
Jessica:    ”Sean, we have a kid. Right now”

I totally forgot we have a one year old .

(In my defense: we were talking about the new baby for the previous fifty minutes, and it was hard to exit from that mindset).

 
Jessica’s response (later that night): “I mean, come on- how can you forget some thing this cute”:

Background Info: it looks like we are dressing our kid as a laughably-fat karate instructor in this photo, but, in truth, it is Colin’s doing. He saw me waking up, wearing a headband (because I have to wear a sleep apnea mask to bed… …which is a whole different, long story). So, later that night when he was told he would have to go to bed soon- he ran into our room and put on a headband. I suppose he thought: all men wear headbands to bed.

I told him the truth: that only myself, Wilt Chamberlain, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones and most pirates, wear headbands to bed. The rest of people (who I may have called “frightened lemmings”), “go to bed with no headband, Colin”.

For those of you who don’t know (if I haven’t seen you, or you don’t listen to the radio show): Jessica is pregnant.

We will probably learn the sex of this one. We have an ultrasound scheduled, but it is too early to determine the sex. “Unless”, as my buddy Daryl said, “he has an absolutely enormous wang”.

I would say, as a new father, that has been what surprised me most about parenting:  how worried (or proud or fascinated) most young dads are with the size of their kid’s penis. Perhaps it’s just the meat-heads and drunks I know, but, my buddies will update you on the size of their kid’s dick before they tell you his hair color. Every new father toast I have seen –when given at a bar around other men– contains some boast or joke about the baby’s penis. It is inevitable- usually mentioned before they even share the kid’s full name.

I once called a friend –let’s call him Vince– a few minutes after his second kid was born:

Me: “How is every one doing?”
Vince: “Great- he’s got a huge dick”
 
Me (now laughing loudly) : “Did you ask if his nervous system works?”
Vince (sensing that I am laughing at him) : “I’m serious, dude.”
                                                                     ”The doctor said so himself: ‘Like a Pornstar’”

At this point, I did not (yet) have a kid, but, I think, I understood enough about doctors, to know: no doctor will tell you –ten minutes into life– that your kid is ‘hung like a pornstar’, unless you are asking him repeated and highly-specific questions about your kid’s penis. Clearly, if the doctor did say that, it was just to get Vince out of the room, probably after ten minutes of constant penis questions, so they could finally begin the truly important tests, like ‘is this baby blind?’.

We continued talking for several minutes. Before leaving, I asked how his other kid was doing: “oh, perfect- doc says he’s hung like a horse too”.

I’d like to think that my initial hunch –that Vince is just anxious about the size of his kids’ penis and is pestering the doctor about it– is wrong. And that, instead, Vince truly is seeing the world’s worst doctor: an absolute meat head, who only cares about the size of penises and breasts.

I’d like to think that Vince is having his kids delivered by a dentist, from his old fraternity A beer-drinking, John-Mayer-loving, women-hounding meat head, with no real medical degree:

If you’re staying in Chicago for Thanksgiving, I’m featuring at Zanies all week. Shows are,

• Tues- 8:30 PM
• Wed- 8:30 PM
• Fri- 8:30 and 10:30 PM
• Sat- 7:00, 9:00 and 11:15 PM
• Sun- 8:30 PM

1548 N Wells St
Chicago, IL 60610-1308
(312) 337-4027