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posted in Blog
07/06/2014 09:32 pm
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Noah’s Journal

Day 1: God asked me to build an arc. Says He’s going to flood the world. Told Him I’m not much of a sailor.

Day 3: Wife has been laughing uncontrollably. “Christ, you couldn’t even build that cabinet for my sister. We’re fucked”. Listen, her sister kept changing the dimensions on me. Plus I didn’t have good wood. Should have good wood on this project.

Day 4: Told God we should use spruce and He’s sort of noncommittal on whether He can get His hands on that or not. Later, in making small chat, God says “you know what else is a good wood- dogwood”, which I’m 90% sure is a bush.

Day 5 Things get heated, when talking about the plan and timeline and I bring up the dogwood line. I ask Him, flat out: “how much do You really know about wood and boats?” and He LOSES IT. Keeps yelling that He doesn’t want to have to “micromanage” the end of the world, and that I just need to get it done.

Day 6: I tell Him the wood is handled and He says “Great, how are we doing on lyme?” and I just let is slide that He thinks lymestone goes into building ships and say “pretty damn good!”

Day 7: God tells me the full plan: I have to get two of every animal and board them on the Arc to continue life. I say, “what about the trees?” and He says “what you mean?” and I say “I’m pretty sure trees can’t live after being submerged in water for 40 days and 40 nights” and He says “you’re shittin me??!!”.

Day 8: We argue about how much water trees can take for the better part of the day, then He finally says “listen, they can fucking take it, OK- I created them and I know them. Now we’re DONE talking about trees”. I tell Him, “OK, but just remember all life collapses if there’s no trees for herbivores”. “WHATT???”, He yells back.

Day 9: I don’t think God understands the distinction between a herbivore and a carnivore. He thought you could just take all the animals and drop them in a new place and it would “just kind of work”. Keeps telling me, “I don’t get bogged down in details”. Says He created the whole place in 6 days and it’s still running and I should just trust Him.

Day 10: We start getting into the technical details of the boat. It’s daunting. Will need to be enormous. I say I’ll probably have to hire help and He’s real conspiratorial about it: “well don’t tell them anything!” and keeps pushing back with, “I thought you had a bunch of kids, can’t they do it?”

Day 14: We often fight over animals. First of all, I can’t tell if half these creatures are male or female. Sure, for a lion or donkey, it’s easy, but for things like an ant or a duck- I have no idea. I mean, we could have two male penguins on this boat.

He keeps saying “Listen, if one of these creatures doesn’t make it –the thing to focus on is– no one in the future will know!”, which has been His mantra from the get-go. Loves to say, “The Future Doesn’t Know, What The Future Never Saw!”.

Day 20: More animal fights. He can’t see where the real problems are and assures me He’s “gonna keep the tigers in line”, but I tell Him, “actually I’m more worried about the termites and skunks”. He doesn’t believe that termites actually eat wood and thinks its an urban legend.

Day 30: Lots of paper work. I ask God if He actually cares about capitalizing the ‘h’ in “He” when it refers to God and He says, “Yeah- huge deal to Me”.

Day 35: Out of nowhere He says, “Oh, and by the way, don’t worry about the dinosaurs- I’ll keep them in line too” and I say “what in the fuck are you talking about?” and He describes lizards that are as tall as a temple that eat each other violently and in talking about it, I start getting the impression He’s actually flooded Earth, like, 50 or 60 times and no longer has any idea what’s alive down here.

Day 40: One of my sons got on an ostrich as a joke and it ran him into the next town. Those things are fast.

Day 41: bats shit constantly.

Day 43: beavers ate the rudder. God says not to worry: “what ya, gonna hit some thing?- the whole planet will be water”.

Day 50: Went to what I thought was the supply closet and a gorilla ripped both my arms out of their socket. “What in the Hell are we doing here?”, I yell and a huge fight with God starts.

“Why can’t you kill just the bad people with lighting? Why do you need the flood the entire world??!”, I yell. “Do you know how many bolts of lighting that would be?”, He yells back, “… Zillions, probably!” and there’s kind of a pause there and I get the impression he actually has no idea how many people are on Earth.

“Besides, a flood’s great drama! We are ON for the flood. It’s a GO!”

Day 55: Launch day. We’re sailing. So nervous. To start with, I doubt we have more than 20%
of the actual wildlife on Earth. Second, I have no idea how to sail and, third, it turns out termites do in fact eat wood.

I share my concerns with God: “What if I fail? What if all life dies because I wasn’t strong enough?”

God tells me not to worry so much. How hard can sailing be in a world filled with water? Also claims fished learned to walk once and “they can probably do it again”. Keeps claiming “that’s the backup plan!- we let fish walk again”.

Not so sure about that plan.

I will say this for God- He’s got an infectious laugh.


posted in Blog
12/02/2013 06:39 am
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The Irish Tenors are a famous group of Celtic singers. Not sure if it’s from my experience doing a podcast with three Irish guys, but –rightly or wrongly– this how I envision every day of their lives.

Jimmy McGinity is an assistant for The Irish Tenors, mostly managing their schedules. This is a page from his journal.

 

10:30 AM:I pickup Ronan from his apartment and he joins the others. They immediately begin arguing over who’s going to sing “Danny Boy” tonight.

10:45 AM:They are arguing over who’s most hung over. Finbar quit the group during the “Danny Boy” argument but no one is reacting.

10:50 AM: Arguing over which of them ties the best knots. Kearns claims his clinch knot was featured in fishing journal and takes off belt to show technique. Also mentioned he has not stopped drinking from last night.

10:52 AM: Arguing over who’s most drunk, as other two have revealed they have not stopped drinking as well. Finbar rejoins group for “one last show”. Want to prove he can outdrink other two.

11:15 AM: Kearns claims he can outrun a kangaroo backwards and the other two are so offended, they expel Kearns from group.

11:20 AM: Kearns tells story about the time he fucked Shirley MaClaine and Ronan wants to let him back in the group. Finbar doesn’t believe Shirley MaClaine story; also still angry about the kangaroo line.

11:22 AM: Ronan and Kearns race backwards to at least show Finbar that Kearns is pretty fast, moving backwards.

11:25 AM: Kearns has injured himself and says he can’t perform tonight. Manager arrives; other two arguing about who will sign Danny Boy.

12:00 PM: Manager forces Kearns to admit a kangaroo is faster so group can re-unite. They celebrate with shots.

12:02 PM: Wright asks Ronan to punch him in the stomach. Says he can take any punch.

12:15 PM: Wright can’t stand and is vomiting- says he can’t perform tonight. Ronan and Kerns argue over who will sing Danny Boy.

12:30 PM: Wright has bartender serve him whiskey at 105 F (he claims it’s the internal temperature of a wolf) and says he’s good to perform.

2:00 PM: Manager has been trying to get them to do a tech check for 2 hours. Currently arguing over how high of a fall the human body can survive. Ronan claims space, if you land on snow.

2:10 PM: Ronan shows how you land in snow; injures himself jumping off table. Says he probably can’t perform tonight.

2:12 PM:Finbar and Wright agree to contest: who ever names most Irish Poets in 10 minutes sings Danny Boy.

2:25 PM: Wright lists Mahler as Irish poet and other two are so disgusted they kick him out of group.

2:25 PM: Wright tells Kearns the craziest place he ever shit his pants (Vatican City) and Kearns votes to have him back in the group. Ronan can’t remember who’s in the group now so he agrees. Shots to celebrate.

3:00 PM: Kearns fakes a heart attack near the bathroom so Ronan can jump behind bar and pour them three free whiskeys.

3:01 PM: Very happy with how whiskey heist went. Debating how they would rob bank.

3:10 PM: Violent argument. Each one wants to drive the get-away-car.

4:00 PM: Manager has got them into dressing room. Wright claims that eagles have sex at 100 Mph and it’s caused a huge argument.

4:05 PM: Debating best way to die. First agreement of the night: they all thinking having a crane fall on you is the best way to go.

4:10 PM: Ronan wants to open up a business where they drop cranes on people who are ready to die.

4:15 PM: Ronan is pricing cranes online; Wright and Kearns arguing about which of them will sing Danny Boy.

4:20 PM: Cocktail Contest to sing Danny Boy. Who ever can name a cocktail the other two can’t make sings Danny Boy.

6:15 PM: Wright claims there’s a cocktail called ‘The Ground Sloth’, which is Guinness with mint leaves and whiskey. Makes three to prove it’s a real drink.

6:20 PM: All three are now ordering Ground Sloths exclusively from the bar. Say it’s the best drink they ever had.

7:30 PM: Ronan’s ear is bleeding and he has no idea why. Kearns lost a shoe. Each member is saying “I’ve never seen the two of you this drunk- I better sing Danny Boy”.

7:55 PM: The curtain’s about to go up. The three are in a fist fight. Manager breaks up fight. Says, “God damn it, we’re going to sing Danny Boy as a trio. We have never done it any other way!”

8:00 PM: Curtain goes up and they have great show. Turns out, fist fight was about difference between a burrito and enchilada.

4:32 AM: I drop Ronan off at his apartment. He has lost his cellphone and coat, but leaves in good spirits: “today went pretty smooth, right?”. He’s peeing in the court yard as I pull into traffic. Singing Danny Boy to himself.

posted in Blog
11/09/2013 06:28 pm
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Happy to be performing with some of my favorite comics this week:
 

Tuesday
  • Double Threat: Sean Flannery and Mike Stanley / 8:30 PM / Stage 773
  • opening for Pete Holmes / 10:30 PM / UP Comedy Club
Thursday       opening for Pete Holmes / 8:00 PM / UP Comedy Club
Friday
  • Daily Motion Comedy Showcase / 7:00 PM / Stage 773
  • The Blackout Diaries / 11:30 PM / Stage 773
    (tix)
Friday
  • You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes / 7:00 PM / Stage 773
  • A Tight 60 with Team Coco / 8:30 PM / Stage 773
  • The Blackout Diaries / 11:30 PM / Stage 773
    (tix)

posted in Blog
06/10/2013 10:57 am
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Some people call it the worst shot in the world. I call it: a perfect corporate sponsor.

The Blackout Diaries is very excited to announce that we are partnering with Jeppson’s Malort –America’s most honest shot– for all 2013 shows.

Malort is a unique taste- some where between tequila and an alley fight. And it is Chicago-strong: 100% owned and operated in Chicago, by Chicago, for Chicago alcoholics (the only Chicagoans that matter).

But don’t take my word for it, come to The Blackout Diaries in 2013 and taste Malort for yourself! Jeppson’s will be giving away free tastes of their product and the audience members with the most unique description of that taste –or the best slogan for Malort– will win merchandise and, who knows, maybe even more tastes!

The Blackout Diaries: a comedy show where there are no stupid questions

 

Jeppson’s Malort official site: jeppsonsmalort.com

Malort twitter feed: twitter.com/JeppsonsMalort

(their twitter feed is pretty hilarious)

posted in Blog
12/19/2012 10:22 pm
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The Blackout Diaries is now weekly!


 

Very excited to announce that The Blackout Diaries is going to move to a weekly schedule in 2013. Not only that, but we are partenering with one of the city’s finest comedy venues, and the very place where The Blackout Diaries debuted: The Lincoln Lodge. Like all great drunks, The Blackout Diaries has decided that the beer tastes best back home.

The Blackout Diaries will be,


every Saturday / 8 PM / $10

The Lincoln Lodge

4008 North Lincoln Avenue Chicago, IL 60618

(first show is Saturday Jan 5th)

Many special enhancements to the show are planned, so check back often for additional details and tickets.

posted in Blog
12/06/2012 08:25 am
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I might start posting some microblogs to my site; stories and jokes that are too long for twitter, but perhaps funny enough to stick around. We will see…

 

 

I remember being in a symbolic logic class in college and the professor was explaining Leibniz’s Law (“∀F(Fx ↔ Fy) → x=y.“) and the ontological implications of it, when a dude in a Phish shirt just yelled from the back “What if I’m just a brain in a jar, man!”.

I then let out a laugh that I am pretty sure, even if you went back to Aristotle, was the loudest laugh ever issued in a philosophy class. It is possibly the loudest laugh of my life. My Vesuvius.

posted in Blog
11/27/2012 09:04 am
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Excited to announce that

1) my one man show “Never Been to Paris” is returning from its summer break at The Comedy Bar Thursday October 18th

–and–

2) Jim Belushi is opening the show that night.

 

As some of you may have read, Belushi is partnering with The Comedy Bar.

“Never Been to Paris” will be the launch night of the partnership and Belushi will open my show with his own near-death story. After the show, at midnight, there will be live music from Rob Stone and the C-Notes, also with Belushi.

Tickets are expected to sellout so if you are intersted in attending, please purchase in advance:

http://www.fanfueled.com/Event/Details/4139-relaunch-weekend-never-been-to-paris-sean-flannery-10pm

(after opening night, show starts at 8 PM each Thursday, not 10 PM)

Many years ago, I walked off a roof, broke my back in three places and my heel in several more. My friends found me in a nearby
lawn, and if they had said,

“Flannery, one day you’re going to write a comedy show about this and the guy from ‘RED HEAT’ is gonna open for it”.

I’d have said: “you raise that damn roof ten more feet and I’ll do it again, pal!!”.

(FYI: RED HEAT is my favorite buddy movie of all time)

posted in Blog
10/03/2012 07:08 am
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After Saturday’s The Blackout Diaries a fan of the show emailed this photo (each show has $2 Blatz). His email:

1) Here’s the ad I was telling you about. It’s pretty excellent.

1916 Blatz Beer good for mother and baby

2) Also, my girlfriend had the best description of the show. Before the last guy went up, she turns to me and says, “It’s like a reverse AA meeting.”

They are correct of course. There will never be a better description of the show than, “it’s like a reverse AA meeting.”

posted in Blog
10/02/2012 09:17 am
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North East Ohio Date announced

Excited to announce a NE Ohio date for my one man show, “Never Been to Paris”:

Saturday Nov 17th @ Musica

9 PM / $10

ages: all ages but under 21 must pay a $2 surcharge

51 East Market Street

Akron, OH 44308

Once online sales are available, I will share the link.

If you’re in the area, I think this show will be a lot of fun.

Normally, I’m performing this show in some
far off city, where I’ve only killed myself by accident a mere 1 or 2 times. It will be good to go back to the source.

Plus, I’ve heard great things about the venue.

posted in Blog
09/17/2012 09:14 pm
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