The Associated Press, earlier this week reported that Iraqi insurgents captured a US solider and released this photograph of the hostage with their demands. It was later revealed that the ‘soldier’ is actually an action figure called Captain Cody, manufactured by Dragon Models.

America, you are –I’m afraid– looking at a dead man. A brave, emotionless dead man- with kung-fu grip, removable “action vest”, bendable arms and a character profile card. In other words, you are looking at a toy. Iraqi “insurgents” have actually kidnapped a doll and extorted money for its safe return, presumably inspired by a popular episode of The Little Rascals.

Does any one else feel the Associated Press sort of over-reached when it called the perpetrators, ‘insurgents’? You know this idea was never hatched by actual terrorists, but, instead, a group of Iraqi teenagers who met in one of their basements; tried to make fake IDs and simply got a little carried away when a kid-brother walked in with his action figure. A more accurate headline would have read, “Iraqi ne’er-do-wells capture doll- demand case of beer from US Gov”. I’m hoping that US officials turn the whole incident into a Peter Sellers skit by acting as though they have no idea the hostage is a toy. We should hire a negotiator who’s just bored with life and continually asks the insurgents to put the soldier on the phone before some demand can be satisfied: “I need to know he’s still alive- what’s his favorite movie with talking dogs?”

I’m waiting for the next group of “insurgents” to push the envelope even further. Why settle for an obscure doll that’s never advanced past the rank of ‘captain’, when you can capture a fully-credited admiral? I’m no military expert, but you have to expect ‘Return of the Jedi’ hero and Coral City native, Admiral Akbar, to fetch a hell-of-a-lot more beer then some grunt with cool knee pads:

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