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White Sox and Walmart
Party like it’s 1917
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The Chicago White Sox won the World Series over the Houston Astros in only four games last night. It was the first World Series Championship for the White Sox since 1917. |
I can’t believe the White Sox haven’t won a World Series since 1917. People constantly heard that same fact during the World Series, but I don’t think any one really understood its scope. You can’t just state an impersonal figure like 88 years, with the expectation that every one understands the distance. No sports drought should be explained in simple calendar terms when talking about a year when the Ottoman Empire still existed. Certain cities with poor fortune, have not won a championship since TV or FM radio have been introduced- the Sox won their last series before sliced bread was invented! Their previous championship existed in the era of the Ottoman Empire before sliced bread was presented to the world. In other words, they have a slump that sounds like it began in ancient Greece. If I overheard some one complaining about a dry spell that started while an empire was still on Earth and before bread was easily distributed, I would assume he’s a fan of chariot racing or gladiator fights. Wasn’t the Pope in charge of Europe back when the Ottoman Empire existed? You can’t describe this slump like it’s a wooden bookcase (“only 88 years old”), if the pope was still running Europe during the last victory.
For those of you too lazy to click the links, the Ottoman Empire existed until 1922. Sliced bread was, apparently, introduced by Wonder Bread in 1930. Here’s some other, more interesting ways to explain the distance between the championships: Prussia, horse corrals and Russian Czars all still existed in 1917. Zippers, crossword puzzles, bras and female voting had not been introduced yet. Note that all jokes on worldsdumbestman.com will now contain an appendix, as I slowly shift the focus of the site into factual reporting. …”factual reporting” being mostly stories on how I ruined my pants.
At Least I got my Dad’s Looks
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Walmart Heiress Paige Laurie returned her degree in Communications to USC because of plagiarism. A former roommate claims to have received over $20,000 to complete Laurie’s homework. |
Walmart’s CEO has outsourced over $15 billion worth of manufacturing, locked employees inside of stores in order to receive free labor, and pays most workers below the poverty line, yet his daughter dropped twenty grand for help in the Communications program at a school that’s produced more playmates then bankers. This woman has obviously not inherited her dad’s ability to bargain. Do you realize how poorly one has to negotiate in order to get the cost of a Speech 101 assignment up to $20,000? Nearly all of my beer was financed by writing papers in college, and the greatest sum I ever received was two cases for finishing a take home exam in “Modern Poetry”. I would have completed a paper in “English 101″ for a bottle opener. Her ability to manage wealth must rank some where between MC Hammer and that Indian who sold Manhattan Island for blankets:
I have to write a speech on why the Bill of Rights is important- will you do it?
I don’t know… I was planning to just watch “Who’s Line is it Any Ways”. What’s in it for me?
How about three Honda Civics and an aquarium?
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