A huge study on Al Qaeda’s organizational structure concluded last week, documenting the group as much more bureaucratic then previously thought. The study, “Harmony and Disharmony: Exploiting Al Qaeda’s Organizational Vulnerabilities”, was completed by the Army’s West Point Academy and found that Al Qaeda’s “corporate culture appears to be similar to other modern organizations”, with the following policies detailed: Al Qaeda has “vacation plans”: married members get one week a month of vacation, while single members receive 5 days. All members get 15 sick days a year. Members are paid an average of $108 a month, but are given additional pay for each new wife. Members must submit requests for time off 10 days in advance.

Don’t hate Al Qaeda for their vicious war on freedom- hate them for a vacation plan that shames anything you’ll ever be offered. I know priests that would join a jihad for 12 weeks of vacation each year. Being accepted by Al Qaeda is like being hired by the City Water Department- everyone hates you, but wishes they had your hours. That said, I nearly feel sorry for the single members, who receive a third less vacation and pay then married terrorists. Al Qaeda must have a world class HR department to balance that strife- my office couldn’t even agree on a policy for “smoke breaks” without a riot erupting over who was missing the most amount of work. Apparently, office morale is upheld better with militant, religious hatred, rather then free coffee and inspirational posters.

No amount of comradery can lead members to accept that ten day notice for missing work, however- a policy which sounds like something a Red Lobster manager explains shortly after handing you a name tag. Low-level terrorists probably stomach the same, retail-management speech I overhear at RadioShack:

“Fahid, I can take you off the schedule- that’s not the problem. I just don’t want you to regret this decision. Nobody gets promoted here by just squeaking by.“

Lastly, I would love to hear the precise bonuses members receive for finding additional wives since the vague language makes it seem like Al Qaeda may be nothing beyond an elaborate pyramid scheme. Whenever I interviewed for a shadowy company with vague salary descriptions, the person could never explain where his office was located and kept saying, “pyramid is an ugly word- let’s use cone”. I’m convinced every Al Qaeda interview ends with, “and then, after you’ve married enough people, you just sit back and let them make money for you!“. The worst position in Al Qaeda?- who ever has to manage all of these details on wives, sick time and vacations. Some where, a young man joined Al Qaeda to fight infidels, but is now just creating, ‘the March Schedule‘ and trying to find decent stapler. That guy will never make the Al Qaeda recruitment video, which –from what I have seen– focuses on masked terrorists inside an obstacle course- not “Murharaf from HR” pounding the desk because everyone submitted their vacation time in the wrong version of Excel. You have officially stopped working for ‘a cause’ after buying “The Idiots Guide to Spreadsheets”.

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