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How Patton Would Kill The Hulk
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The Hulk was just released on DVD and I’m dying to see it. Super hero movies have become my favorite genre to rent because they all have the same, hilarious DVD extra: a documentary on how the producers of the film spent a week with the US Military, sharing plans on how they would attack The Hulk (or Iron Man, or who ever else you’re watching). The documentaries are hilarious (you should never even bother watching a super hero movie in the theater- wait for the DVD), and always follow the same, uproarious pattern:
1) the uninquisitive marines refuse to believe the Hulk is stronger than their weapons,
–then–
2) some one inadvertently points out the soldiers should be working on some thing more important.
Basic Transcript of each Feature:
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writer: “So, we just want to know how you would go about attacking The Hulk”.
marine: “we’d drop a vapor bomb on him”.
writer: “that wouldn’t do anything to the Hulk”.
marine: “he can’t survive a vapor bomb. Life can not survive its shock waves”.
writer: “The Hulk can”.
(this exchange repeats for 20 minutes, until some writer points out that two simultaneous wars are occurring off camera).
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The Hulk was also my favorite super hero growing up for the same reason. I wanted to draw comics, as a child, so my dad took me to conventions where the artists would answer questions from fans. Occasionally, there would be insightful questions about the mood of an issue or the industry’s overall direction, but, mostly it was:
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| fan: “yeah, hi. As you know, The Hulk reached the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean in issue 272, but barely returned. But, then in Hulk 482, you had the Hulk reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean –which we all know is 20 miles deeper– without any explanation of how he handled the added pressure”
writer: “well, I just figured: he’s The Hulk.”
entire room (exploding): “FUCK YEA!!!! The Hulk!!!!”
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In fact, fans comb through all Hulk issues, documenting each feat of strength by the Hulk in order to create a catalog of his super powers (not realizing that the writer just needed some bullshit solution to a problem and never intended for any one to remember the power after that issue). By far, the most hilarious recap of these super powers is, Engine of Destruction: The Official Fan Website of The Incredible Hulk. The following is a real list of the Hulk’s most hilarious super powers, all given by a strung out writer, looking to wrap up a story twenty minutes before his deadline:
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1) the Hulk can not be hypnotized
2) the Hulk –no matter where he’s located in the world– can walk home without a map
3) the Hulk sees ghosts
4) the Hulk is immune to AIDs.
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I would trade my car for a copy of the issue / episode where the Hulk learns he is immune to AIDs:
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2 Responses
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November 7th, 2008 at 12:07 am
All screen captures of The Hulk are from NBC series, via Hulu which has every episode available for free, online.
Its pretty cool.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
hahahahahaha that’s great.
also, i have been to that site before
and also also, i uh … i think i do own the issue where we learn he cannot die of AIDS - it’s a touching issue [god dammit i am sincere when i say that] where his friend Jim Wilson is dying of AIDS and The Hulk refuses him a blood transplant because although the Hulk’s blood would cure the HIV virus, or any terrestrial disease for that matter, he would not wish the curse of the Hulk’s powers on him, not even if it would save his life. DRAMATIC I SAY.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Wilson_(comics)