5:30 PM, I loose my cell phone on the Clark bus (*).

Fifteen minutes later, my wife receives a call from an unfamiliar number:

“Hello, I have
your husband’s phone. My son found it on the Clark Bus.

Here’s my address- come up quick because the battery is about to die on your husband’s
phone”.

I drive up to the intersection (**).

He pulls up, blasting music. His son is in the front seat and they are both
dancing. They are having the time of their lives, throwing their arms in the
air and yelling lyrics.

“Sean??”, the dad yells. I stick out- I am the only white guy within twenty blocks.

“Yes.”

“HA!! We found you!”, he holds up my phone, brimming- “this is my son”.

His son is still dancing
and waves. “He found it!”, the dad proudly shares while handing me the phone.

I had twenty dollars on me. “Will you take some money?”, I ask.

“aaah, it’s up to you. If you want to give it, I’ll let my son take the money. But
you don’t have to.”

I then look the kid in the eyes and, as though on auto pilot, roar, “
well, you get your self some ice cream!” and gave the kid twenty bucks. The moment I said it,
I heard the words- the way you hear yourself on voicemail and thought, ‘that is the
whitest thing I have ever said’. I nearly ran away.

* I am convinced this whole experience was revenge, by
the Clark Bus, for the blog I wrote href="http://www.worldsdumbestman.com/wp/2009/09/04/how-i-will-ride-to-hell-the-22-clark-bus/">last week. I
compared the Clark Bus to the boat –in Greek mythology– that ferries you across the river Styx to Hell. I think
the Clark bus was upset by the joke and, since it is already spending its days in Hell,
appealed to an Underworld god for revenge.

Accordingly, I will be re-writing my memoirs as, “Sean Flannery: Modern Bellerophon”.

Bellerophon
(if you do not know the story) was a warrior who came to believe he was
the greatest fighter on Earth and, fittingly, felt he should live among gods.
So, he captured Pegasus and rode the horse into the sky to live in the clouds as a god.

Zeus was so offended by the hubris, he sent a fly to bite Pegasus, which caused Pegasus to
buck Bellerophon. Bellerophon fell to the ground and lived the rest of his life in exile, blinded
and crippled by the fall.

Likewise, I was feeling pretty cocky after writing that Clark Bus blog that made so
many people laugh. “Maybe I can even do this comedy thing for a living some day”, I started
to think: “maybe I am that funny”. Clearly, this appalled the gods of public transportation
who then sent some agent of fate to steal my cell phone, which, in the modern world, is
to be damned to exile- blinded and unable to reach even close friends.

But, lo- a good Samaritan comes along the road! Left for (digital) death on
the modern Road to Jericho (Clark Bus); ignored by people of my own faith (since I do not have
their numbers memorized)- a stranger rescues me.

** If you’re wondering how this man was able to find Jessica, it’s because
she is saved in my contacts as “My Wife” (rather than just “Jessica” as most people probably would have done).
This is the first time, saving people into my phone with descriptions (as I always do) has
reduced confusion in my life. Normally, I am making three to five miscalls for
every conversation I want to have since I can never remember, at the moment of the call, if
“Rob Roy” is my buddy who likes to fake sword fight when drunk or my old room mate
from Scotland. So, the process has drawbacks, but, the upside is: a stranger can
navigate my contact list (“My Wife”, “My Apartment”, etc). Of course, the stranger will
also think I am literally insane when they see my contact list and might hesitate to call a
person who –based on his contact list– thinks he can talk to
every one from historical figures (“Rob Roy” / “Neil Armstrong”), to inanimate objects (“Twelve Egg Omelet”) and even major cities (“Memphis”).

7 Responses

1. Max Phillips Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:16 am

   i never laughed so hard…
   but i still have to know, what was the song the father/son were singing?

2. Ricky March Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:16 am

   “get yourself some ice cream” is what I was told by an old Jewish man who tipped me 60 cents over 40 years ago…

3. Sean Flannery Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:17 am

   Max- they were listening to techno. They looked, almost exactly, like the guys from that “What is Love”, Saturday Night Live skit.

4. Elizabeth McQuern Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:17 am

   I’d give a million dollars to have been there with a video camera. That would have been the best comedy sketch EVER.

5. Mark Geary Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:28 pm

   When I first came to America I could never remember my own phone number (to check messages) so I had a post-it note that just said “Me: 773 111…” on it right inside my wallet. Worked great when I dropped it on Lincoln Ave, although the girl who called to return it seemed a little weirded out that somebody needed to tell themselves their own phone number.

6. Sam Fels Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:29 pm

   What I struggle with is I think there’s an allusion in this that you’re under the impression that no black people are named Sean.

7. Sean Flannery Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 8:29 pm

   …ah, Sam… …but, I wasn’t clear- the area was actually Middle Eastern. It was up on Devon….

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