For those of you who don’t know (if I haven’t seen you, or you don’t listen to the radio show): Jessica is pregnant.

We will probably learn the sex of this one. We have an ultrasound scheduled, but it is too early to determine the sex. “Unless”, as my buddy Daryl said, “he has an absolutely enormous wang”.

I would say, as a new father, that has been what surprised me most about parenting:  how worried (or proud or fascinated) most young dads are with the size of their kid’s penis. Perhaps it’s just the meat-heads and drunks I know, but, my buddies will update you on the size of their kid’s dick before they tell you his hair color. Every new father toast I have seen –when given at a bar around other men– contains some boast or joke about the baby’s penis. It is inevitable- usually mentioned before they even share the kid’s full name.

I once called a friend –let’s call him Vince– a few minutes after his second kid was born:

Me: “How is every one doing?”
Vince: “Great- he’s got a huge dick”
 
Me (now laughing loudly) : “Did you ask if his nervous system works?”
Vince (sensing that I am laughing at him) : “I’m serious, dude.”
                                                                     ”The doctor said so himself: ‘Like a Pornstar’”

At this point, I did not (yet) have a kid, but, I think, I understood enough about doctors, to know: no doctor will tell you –ten minutes into life– that your kid is ‘hung like a pornstar’, unless you are asking him repeated and highly-specific questions about your kid’s penis. Clearly, if the doctor did say that, it was just to get Vince out of the room, probably after ten minutes of constant penis questions, so they could finally begin the truly important tests, like ‘is this baby blind?’.

We continued talking for several minutes. Before leaving, I asked how his other kid was doing: “oh, perfect- doc says he’s hung like a horse too”.

I’d like to think that my initial hunch –that Vince is just anxious about the size of his kids’ penis and is pestering the doctor about it– is wrong. And that, instead, Vince truly is seeing the world’s worst doctor: an absolute meat head, who only cares about the size of penises and breasts.

I’d like to think that Vince is having his kids delivered by a dentist, from his old fraternity A beer-drinking, John-Mayer-loving, women-hounding meat head, with no real medical degree: