10:30 AM:I pickup Ronan from his apartment and he joins the others. They immediately begin arguing over who’s going to sing “Danny Boy” tonight.
10:45 AM:They are arguing over who’s most hung over. Finbar quit the group during the “Danny Boy” argument but no one is reacting.
10:50 AM: Arguing over which of them ties the best knots. Kearns claims his clinch knot was featured in fishing journal and takes off belt to show technique. Also mentioned he has not stopped drinking from last night.
10:52 AM: Arguing over who’s most drunk, as other two have revealed they have not stopped drinking as well. Finbar rejoins group for “one last show”. Want to prove he can outdrink other two.
11:15 AM: Kearns claims he can outrun a kangaroo backwards and the other two are so offended, they expel Kearns from group.
11:20 AM: Kearns tells story about the time he fucked Shirley MaClaine and Ronan wants to let him back in the group. Finbar doesn’t believe Shirley MaClaine story; also still angry about the kangaroo line.
11:22 AM: Ronan and Kearns race backwards to at least show Finbar that Kearns is pretty fast, moving backwards.
11:25 AM: Kearns has injured himself and says he can’t perform tonight. Manager arrives; other two arguing about who will sign Danny Boy.
12:00 PM: Manager forces Kearns to admit a kangaroo is faster so group can re-unite. They celebrate with shots.
12:02 PM: Wright asks Ronan to punch him in the stomach. Says he can take any punch.
12:15 PM: Wright can’t stand and is vomiting- says he can’t perform tonight. Ronan and Kerns argue over who will sing Danny Boy.
12:30 PM: Wright has bartender serve him whiskey at 105 F (he claims it’s the internal temperature of a wolf) and says he’s good to perform.
2:00 PM: Manager has been trying to get them to do a tech check for 2 hours. Currently arguing over how high of a fall the human body can survive. Ronan claims space, if you land on snow.
2:10 PM: Ronan shows how you land in snow; injures himself jumping off table. Says he probably can’t perform tonight.
2:12 PM:Finbar and Wright agree to contest: who ever names most Irish Poets in 10 minutes sings Danny Boy.
2:25 PM: Wright lists Mahler as Irish poet and other two are so disgusted they kick him out of group.
2:25 PM: Wright tells Kearns the craziest place he ever shit his pants (Vatican City) and Kearns votes to have him back in the group. Ronan can’t remember who’s in the group now so he agrees. Shots to celebrate.
3:00 PM: Kearns fakes a heart attack near the bathroom so Ronan can jump behind bar and pour them three free whiskeys.
3:01 PM: Very happy with how whiskey heist went. Debating how they would rob bank.
3:10 PM: Violent argument. Each one wants to drive the get-away-car.
4:00 PM: Manager has got them into dressing room. Wright claims that eagles have sex at 100 Mph and it’s caused a huge argument.
4:05 PM: Debating best way to die. First agreement of the night: they all thinking having a crane fall on you is the best way to go.
4:10 PM: Ronan wants to open up a business where they drop cranes on people who are ready to die.
4:15 PM: Ronan is pricing cranes online; Wright and Kearns arguing about which of them will sing Danny Boy.
4:20 PM: Cocktail Contest to sing Danny Boy. Who ever can name a cocktail the other two can’t make sings Danny Boy.
6:15 PM: Wright claims there’s a cocktail called ‘The Ground Sloth’, which is Guinness with mint leaves and whiskey. Makes three to prove it’s a real drink.
6:20 PM: All three are now ordering Ground Sloths exclusively from the bar. Say it’s the best drink they ever had.
7:30 PM: Ronan’s ear is bleeding and he has no idea why. Kearns lost a shoe. Each member is saying “I’ve never seen the two of you this drunk- I better sing Danny Boy”.
7:55 PM: The curtain’s about to go up. The three are in a fist fight. Manager breaks up fight. Says, “God damn it, we’re going to sing Danny Boy as a trio. We have never done it any other way!”
8:00 PM: Curtain goes up and they have great show. Turns out, fist fight was about difference between a burrito and enchilada.
4:32 AM: I drop Ronan off at his apartment. He has lost his cellphone and coat, but leaves in good spirits: “today went pretty smooth, right?”. He’s peeing in the court yard as I pull into traffic. Singing Danny Boy to himself.