Chicago based comedy talk show- I’m being interviewed about Never Been to Paris
Wendesday at 1 PM
CJ and I are on “Get Off My Lawn” on XM’s Laugh Track to promote our album on iTunes and talk college basketball
Thursday at 10 PM
Standup showcase at the Oakwood
Friday at 9 PM
my one man show about the last 12 times I nearly killed myself
Shows next week:
Monday at 9 PM
Crystal Pistol Comedy Showcase at Zanies
Thursday at 10 PM
CJ and I are on “Alternative to Sleeping”, a NY comedy radio show that’s simulcasted on Shoutcast to promote our album on iTunes and talk college basketball
Friday at 9 PM
my one man show about the last 12 times I nearly killed myself
Once again, you can buy Visitor Locker Room’s album on iTunes at
Contains an interview with me, along a recap/review from the previous shows. The title –”He’s Every Mom’s Worst Nightmare”– comes from something an older lady yelled while laughing (seated next to the reporter).
Above link is for the updated ‘pick’ details. Here is the original preview / pick they wrote: “Dumb Luck”: Comedian’s new solo show hilariously tackles the perils of partying.
“..Flannery combines masterful storytelling with multi-media presentations to recount several near-death experiences that he miraculously survives. By living through poor driving, job interview gaffes, serious drinking, and his forgetfulness to return his doctor’s phone calls, Flannery is left with a wealth of material to his audience’s benefit.”
(official website of the show- has ticket links / press / venue info)
* For those who attended the first run: apologies for having to make the show $2 more expensive for the upcoming run (cost of a larger venue). BUT- the beer is considerably cheaper at the new venue ($3 PBRs / $12 buckets), so –for the type of people that attend my shows– you will likely come out spending less money, during this run.
I performed at Speak Easy Comedy a few weeks back and the show was reviewed by Comedy of Chicago.
They said some positive things about me- that I kick “much but” (a phrase that I am quoting to my wife in resposne to every complaint).
I’m flattered by the coverage, though they failed to mention my star credit, and the accomplishment that I made the host list when introducing me: that I am the 2010 Meat Industry’s Comic of the Year.
I’m also quoted in a Timeout Chicago article, “Love / Hate Chicago”, where a comedian, Beth Stelling (who’s very funny), wonders if Chicago or LA is a better city for comedy.
It’s that time of the year again: late winter, which means we at The Visitors Locker Room are getting ready for our annual Super Bowl Show at the Lincoln Lodge. This year we have several special things planned including appearances by Rex Ryan, Brett Favre, Ben Roethlisberger; standup comedy from CJ Sullivan and myself; videos from Comedians You Should Know; a multimedia summary of The Year in Sports; and more.
There has never been a human who believed the Earth was flat. The ancients –perhaps even the cavemen—knew the Earth was spherical; they only sucked at drawing it.
Important update everyone: it took about 3 decades, but I have turned into my father. Last night at a hipster bar, I walked into the women’s bathroom. Note, it was not because I misread the sign, but, instead, that I incorrectly identified the three previous women as boys.
I’ve reached an important middle aged milestone: the inability to recognize gender in the young and trendy.
I’m now qualified to answer any questions you would normally direct to a dad, eg “can I get sued for this”; “should I rent or own”; “how do I change a car battery”; etc; etc.
Oppositely, I am no longer to be trusted for entertainment or fashion advice.
I wrote this for a sports blog last week. As with everything in my life, I’m not sure if
it’s a joke, or a legitimately good idea
BACKGROUND- everyone hates the new Big Ten division names: LEADERS and LEGENDS. But The Big Ten says its marketers cant think of anything better without excluding one team over another (eg “Great Plains” / “Great Lakes” –one of the examples they declined– doesn’t apply to Penn State… …never mind why a 12 team league that calls itself The Big TEN suddenly cares about accuracy).
Clearly the egghead marketers hired by the Big Ten have not looked at this problem as a sports fan would: by mascot.
The new Big Ten can be divided perfectly into two kingdoms: ANIMAL and HUMAN.
NOTE: I wanted to call the divisions “Ground Dwellers and Carnivores” versus “Occupations and Home Towns”, but I feared it would be too wordy, hence I settled on the following
As a college football fan, I offer this plan to the Big Ten, free of charge:
BEASTS versus MORTALS, for the Big Ten Championship
(once crowned, the victor is referred to as THE OMNIVORE).
BACKGROUND INFO: I posted that I was nominated for “Comedian of the Year” by The Chicago Music Awards (CMAs), earlier this week. The CMAs have a confusing website, so, rather than use their logo (which is difficult to read), I used the first image returned in a google search: The Chicago Meat Authority.
The Chicago Meat Authority’s logo looks nicer, I explained, “plus it works better- I’d love to receive an award from the Chicago Meat Authority.”
Well, folks: I’m living proof that you should dream, because –the very next day– one of the employees at Chicago Meat Authority found my blog; liked the humor, and, after a conversation with the marketing department- I received an official Chicago Meat Award for funniest comedian (along with a hooded sweatshirt):
If you had told me, when I started comedy eight years ago, that I would be the meat industry’s preferred comic (in a city known for its meat, no less!)- I would have said, “get the fuck out of here; Leno doesn’t dream that big.”
Yet here we are.
As you would expect, I have immediately printed new business cards:
(me, with my Chicago Meat Authority sweatshirt)
(…as you can probably see- I now have a beard…. It’s my way of making up for the comb over- Jessica always wanted me to grow a beard, but I hate them.
And, people, I think that’s what marriage is about: choosing one of your bodies, and taking turns annoying it. Three months on, three months off.
I’ve been nominated for Comedian Of The Year by the 30th annual Chicago Music Awards. Though you wouldn’t know it from their website, the CMAs have hosted a lot of impressive performers (Kayne West, Wilco, etc). The other nominees for this year –Deon Cole, Damon Williams, George Wilborn and Beth Stelling– are all excellent so it’s flattering to be considered.
It’s ballot #23, Comedian Of The Year, about half way down on the page.
(the website is a little confusing… …which is one of the reasons why I just chose the #1 image result for CMA –Chicago Meat Authority– in this post… …plus I think it works better- I’d love to receive an award from the Chicago Meat Authority)
Many of you have asked for an update, or summary, about life with a comb over. I thought the easiest format might be: a kind-of recap of the average day, along with some lessons I learned about having a comb over.
MORNING: I wake up, enter the kitchen, smiling wide as I make eye contact with Jessica. Her eyes immediately shut. Her entire face furrows as though she just saw a man run over a family of ducks. Entrances are awkward, with the comb over (LESSON #1). You forget that others are seeing it for the first time. Having a combover is a bit like being seven feet tall or a black man in China, in that you enter a room and everyone is staring, but you forget why.
“Euuuggggg”. Her first words of the day. Oh, I realize: she is reacting to my hair. “What?- I think it’s getting better“, I answer while walking into the bathroom. Then I see it.
A comb over is a lot of work (#2). It is probably the most high-maintenance haircut a man can have. Throughout the day, you must gel-down your hair, else you start to appear like a mad scientist. Additionally, if your comb over is self-imposed (as mine was), you must shave the center of your head daily, else that hair grows back and, instead of looking bald, you look like a man who is recovering from an odd, but very major, brain surgery.
“The guys at the bar thought it was great” (me)
“That’s because you hang out with idiots” (Jessica)
I put on baseball cap to cool Jessica down.
(she makes me wear a hat at all times in the house… she will even ask if I’m wearing a hat, before entering a room that I occupy… as though I’m 19th century debutante who can’t be seen in the wrong clothes).
“I can’t believe I’m wearing a baseball cap at this hour… I mean, I’m 32 years old”
“Yeah”, Jessica starts sarcastically, “THAT’S WHY you look ridiculous- the hat”.
BREAKFAST: I’m dressed in a pink robe and LA Dodgers baseball cap, eating pancakes. Jessica keeps shaking her head ‘no’, silently.
“Babe, in the grand scheme of things, this isn’t that bad” (me)
“Yes it is, Sean. In fact…
“I would have rathered you had an affair.” (Jessica)
Jessica hates the combover most in the mornings. Women are powerfully in tune with the very start and the very end of a day (#3). They like to hear rain dancing against the window as their final sounds of a day, and birds singing as their first. Thus, when you insert a combover into this cycle –as their first and last sight of the day– they become discombobulated. Enraged. It is very nearly like living at a different latitude for them; in a place where the days and nights don’t end.
TRAIN: I am seated alone (in a packed car), working comfortably on my laptop. The Combover is THE haircut for commuting (#4). No one ever sits next to you, and beggars and crazy preachers skip you. Like riding The Orient Express, each day to work.
I exit the train and order a large coffee, black, at the food court. They screwup the order and, even though I am laughing about it, they apologize profusely and insist I take two free muffins. People assume you have a short fuze, when you have a combover (#5). This creates better service at low-end, retail places since they don’t want to deal with you asking for a manager or threatening to call corporate headquarters. But it creates worse service at high-end places since they assume you will only order cheap items and tip poorly.
I leave the court, passing by one of the security guards. He’s been on vacation in Florida and hasn’t seen me in two weeks: “You feeling OK?”, he asks; unable to pinpoint why I suddenly look 20 years older to him. People grossly overestimate your age with a combover (#6).
“I’D COMPLAIN, FRIEND, BUT NO ONE WOULD LISTEN!!”
I laugh and salute him. Since having the combover, nothing gives me more joy than shouting bad, middle-aged white guy jokes (#7).
OFFICE: I put a nice, black fedora on before entering because my boss left a voice mail earlier this morning –”Hey can you please wear a hat today“– that probably means some one important is visiting.
A secretary jokes that I look like a reporter from the 1950s (it’s hard to pull off the fedora at work- #8). I play along, yelling back, in that 1930s gangster voice: “yeeaaah, you seeeee, I’m here for the straight dope!!”.
She laughs way too hard at my response. I later learn it’s because the stranger seated next to her is our new Office Director. His first impression of me is:
arrives at 11 AM
wears ridiculous hats
doesn’t understand the difference between reporters and gangsters
You never get a second chance to make a first impression- and you need at least eight chances with a combover (#9)
LUNCH:
Jessica is going to join me for lunch. She calls from the security desk to verify that I have a hat on, before she enters the building. We then walk to the food court and have a nice lunch together, until I take off my hat for a moment to scratch my head:
“EEEEGGGGG, God”
“Oh.. Sorry” (I put the hat back on)
“How much longer are you going to have this?”
“I thought it would be kind of fun to have it for the delivery”
“WHAAT!!!!” (she’s only 3 months pregnant at this time)
“Yeah. Ya know how dads always has funny haircuts in old, childhood photographs? I thought it would be kind of fun to have a combover, in the first set of pictures. It will be hilarious when we look back at the photos.”
“You will not be allowed in my delivery room with that haircut”
Jessica is silently shaking her head ‘no’ again, as we throw away our trash. Her earlier line –”I would rather you have an affair”– is not an exaggeration. You see, the combover is inextricably associated associated with, and leads to conjecture about, your wife (#10). Here again, having a combover is a bit like being seven feet tall in that, once people see you, the first thing they check for is: a wedding ring. And, if they find it, they have as many questions for your wife, as they have for you. Why do you tolerate this? Does he sleep on the coach? Is he joking?
Jessica:
“It needs to come off by next week, Sean.
We have Kate and Jason’s wedding.
I can’t show up to that wedding with you having a combover.”
Me:
“I was going to wear a tophat”
FINAL LESSON: no one enjoys the top hat any more.
(For those who want an abbreviated version)
LESSONS:
* Entrances are awkward
* A comb over is a lot of work
* Women are powerfully in tune with the very start and very end of a day
* The Combover is THE haircut for commuting
* People assume you have a short fuze
* Your age is grossly overestimated
* First impressions are very important
* It’s hard to pull off the fedora
* Strangers wonder about (and empathize with) your wife
* No one takes the tophat seriously
or, in a sentence:
having a combover is a lot like being seven feet tall
As most of you know, I run a website called Ungoogleable (you can get an explanation of the site here if you’re not familiar with it).
I’m going to start publishing my updates to Ungoogleable over here, at WorldsDumbestMan.com too, to see how they fit (some people have complained about having to manage two bookmarks). We’ll see. I’ll stop if it doesn’t make sense.
I should be updating both sites more often now that things are little less hectic with my one man show.
As Colin gets older, I am reminded of how easy it is to over estimate the intelligence of kids. They sound like you; they know nearly as many facts as you; and you start to think- they are almost as smart. But, of course, they aren’t- they have a (hilarious) lack of judgment. They can’t chain facts together; they don’t understand when things are relevant.
I once saw a National Geographic show where a zebra was injured (or diseased) and could not urinate. The narrator said that, eventually, the urine would re-enter his blood; it would become toxic; and he would die. I was in third or fourth grade.
A few weeks later, I was in the library and needed to go to the bathroom, but the librarian insisted I wait until the end of the period. I thought, by that time, the urine would re-enter my blood and I’d be dead:
“DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT BLADDERS AND BLOOD!”
I screamed, in a panic, for the whole library to hear.
(I am often asked, when people learn I’m a comic, what’s the funniest joke I’ve ever told, and I truly don’t know. But I’m fairly certain, that line –”Don’t you understand anything about bladders and blood”– is funniest thing I’ve ever said)
II
A short five years later, some teacher fell into this trap (of believing kids are smart) and assigned me a kindergarten buddy. My good friend Carl was also assigned one. I remember Carl and I talking after the first meeting with our buddies. We were both glowing that our kids were going to be fine given our guidance. In our estimate, we had encouraged the perfect mix of street smarts and book smarts.
I spent the first session teaching my kid how to draw a gun and then told him to “get to know” the song Red Red Rum by UB40 because –I guaranteed– it was going to be a hit. Carl sketched out two tanks: one with the body of a scorpion on top and the other with the body of a snake. He explained how they would attack each other for 20 straight minutes.
Carl felt that his kid, in particular, was promising; that he was advanced. I later found out, it was because his kid claimed to already know the song Wild Wild West (by Escape Club).
In a perfect world, that (hilarious) song would start playing, as you read that statement about Carl, but, since we don’t live in a perfect world:
You can read this blog as a single picture (a timeline with graphics… which is kind of how I prefer it), here. Or, if that image is too big, you can just read it as HTML below (which is probably easiest).
Hopefully it makes you laugh, either way.
1. Deja vu
Minutes:
0-20
Description:
My parents spend the first 20 minutes trying to figure-out if they have already seen the movie. “Why does he look so familiar”, they ask each other. “Is this the one where it turns-out, they are all working for the mob?”
2. The Investigation Begins
Minutes:
20-40
Description:
Dad likes to spend the next 20 minutes predicting who the real murderer is: “Watch out, this guy is bad news“, he says after almost every character is introduced. Note: it can be a lighthearted movie with no chance of crime, but he still makes these predictions aloud (bear in mind: he has usually seen the movie –but can’t recall the details– making his predictions twice as hilarious). His investigation is usually shutdown when mom snaps, “Christ Brian, there’s no criminals- will you just watch the movie!”.
3. Snacks
Minutes:
40-48
Description:
Mom leaves to get snacks for her and dad but insists we not pause the movie. When she returns, dad starts recapping the scenes she missed so inaccurately, you start to wonder if he is watching the same movie:
“OK honey, what’d I miss?”
“That main guy–”
“The handsome one?”
“Yes– he just killed his partner”
(there was no murder; dad got confused in a grainy flashback sequence)
4. Technical Difficulties
Minutes:
48-52
Description:
Dad can’t convince mom that he’s explaining the scenes correctly, so they agree to rewind it.
So mom puts on her reading glasses; stares in concentration at the remote (“hmmm… let’s see…”); then she touches a single button and –some how– 9 devices turn off. The devices even make that dying, last-breath gasp you hear from appliances during a power outage.
“Ooohhh… what did I do?”, mom asks. Dad springs up, after a few seconds of bewilderment and turns on a blinding set of lights to get a better look at the problem. With the lights on, we now see what dad is wearing for the first time: a nice, long-sleeved dress shirt, tucked into heavy, US Air Force sweat pants and dark black slippers (like some sort of regional anchorman who isn’t quite ready to fully skip pants).
5. Exhaustion
Minutes:
50-90
Description:
Dad keeps falling asleep, then loudly denying he was sleeping after mom wakes him up when his snoring is too loud (he often “proves” he was awake with nonsensical summaries of the current action: “no, I’m awake… that guy- he killed his partner”). During dad’s quieter cycles of sleep, mom keeps asking me why movies “have to be so violent now?”.
Mom is usually awake for the final scene which is when she realizes that 1) they have seen it and 2) they may even own it. She wakes up dad, at which point he unconvincingly claims that the real ending fits his prediction:
“Wake up, honey. It’s over.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, that main woman- it turned out she was married to another man”
“I KNEW IT!”
(dad predicted she was everything from an undercover cop to a mob hit woman and, at one point, even an alien… an affair was never mentioned)
…The next morning, at breakfast, they both tell my sister they loved the movie.
Or, maybe you’ll hear it in your car while listening to NPR…
though I doubt you’ll recognize me- it’s the closest I’ve ever come to whispering.. …NPR is great at getting everyone to adopt that quite voice they all use; by the third person I met, I was down to their volume, after feeling like I was screaming at the previous two…
(but it was extremely fun- and my comedy has finally reached a venue my wife enjoys: NPR)
Friday’s final performance of “Never Been to Paris” has sold out, meaning all four shows sold out, in advance. Thanks, to every one who attended. And particular thanks, to all those who helped out (I’ll put a digital copy of the program online soon).
If you saw the show, please consider reviewing it on yelp:
