Flippers

Whales evolved from deer.

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In fact, I’m pretty sure it happened overnight, at least when you consider the timescale of a planet.

If you were to put two deer in the ocean, Ron, their grandchildren would be whales. That is a pure, scientfic fact.

Honest Abe

Screw Emmanuel. I only vote for ugly candidates.

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Well, see Franz, ‘the game’ is always a year ahead of us. Not the two parties, of course, but the bankers and grubstakers that truly run this country. No matter what we want –a war hero, a reformer, a charmer– they will see it before even you do and have a matching candidate, waiting and ready to sell you out.

But there is a kind of person they will never anticipate you wanting; a kind of a person that is invisible to them: the unsightly.

Always vote for the ugly guy, Franz. He’s on your side.

Myth

I don’t believe, for a moment, that many people watched “MASH”.

Have you ever met a Nielsen Family, Kyle? Have you even met some one, who’s met some one from a Nielsen Family? Of course not- they don’t exist.

I have a friend, who knows a guy, who was indicted on racketeering charges. In other words, the mafia, in real life, is easier to find to find than a Neilsen Family.

Taxonomy

The beaver is the only animal that looks more intimidating as a skeleton than as a living beast.

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Most animals, when you strip them of muscle and hair and claws, just look thin and silly, but the beaver actually looks more terrifying. A lion itself would not attack the beaver, if it were to view its bones.

Second place?- Yes, Don, I do know, and it’s the walrus.

Long Term Plans

Cryogenics?- the science is bullet proof, but where are you going to find a company that will pay the electric bills for 5000 straight years? Sears has barely survived 50 years, continuously. No, I suspect you’d thaw out –go bad, like milk forgotten on a counter—when the company holding you loses files in a corporate take-over.

Innovation

The race to create the perfect cigarette has yielded more inventions than all space missions combined.

No, Gus, NASA rarely invented the products we attribute to them- rather, they licensed the technology. The cigarette companies, meanwhile, invented everything- and always on accident!

The modern kitchen was invented in tobacco experiments go awry, Gus. A lab technician leaves his work station at the wrong moment for a cigarette break, comes back –knocking over beakers the whole while—and, voila, zero calorie sweetners are invented!

Old Fashioned

In the traditional West, keeping the same bed room as your wife would land you in jail as a deviant. To them, it would be like hearing you hang from the ceiling, suspended naked by wanton strangers. They’d sooner put you in jail, then process the image.

Nature Returns

You can not walk more than five city blocks without being attacked by a pack of wild dogs in Detroit. They hand out bats, like most cities give maps, for walking. Man is no longer in charge, in Detroit.

Something to Believe In

Poison’s entire first album is an anti Vietnam epic. Yes, I’ve listened to it Fred- and it’s straight up protest music. They were just so hilarious, in dress and behavior, we never noticed. Hell, I’m not sure they noticed.

Seafaring

Any NFL tight end could swim faster than Michael Phelps. Our best athletes go into our best sports, Ern, not the ones that require a two hour drive outside the city each day. Phelps is simply the fastest swimmer with a car and involved parents.