Why?

Who?

When?

 

Innovation The race to create the perfect cigarette has yielded more inventions than all space missions combined. No, Gus, NASA rarely invented the products we attribute to them- rather, they licensed the technology. The cigarette companies, meanwhile, invented everything- and always on accident! The modern kitchen was invented in tobacco experiments go awry, Gus. A lab technician leaves his work station at the wrong moment for a cigarette break, comes back –knocking over beakers the whole while—and, voila, zero calorie sweetners are invented!

-- The Corner Pocket

 

Medusa There is a pepper in India so hot, the very act of spotting it would kill you.

-- Ribfest

 

Old Fashioned In the traditional West, keeping the same bed room as your wife would land you in jail as a deviant. To them, it would be like hearing you hang from the ceiling, suspended naked by wanton strangers. They’d sooner put you in jail, then process the image.

-- Housewarming party, Kansas City

 

Nature Returns You can not walk more than five city blocks without being attacked by a pack of wild dogs in Detroit. They hand out bats, like most cities give maps, for walking. Man is no longer in charge, in Detroit.

-- Goldies Cafe

 

A Giant Flat Disc There has never been a human who believed the Earth was flat. The ancients –perhaps even the cavemen—knew the Earth was spherical; they only sucked at drawing it.

-- The Four Treys Bar

 

Something to Believe In Poison’s entire first album is an anti Vietnam epic. Yes, I’ve listened to it Fred- and it’s straight up protest music. They were just so hilarious, in dress and behavior, we never noticed. Hell, I’m not sure they noticed.

-- Old Town Pub

 

Seafaring Any NFL tight end could swim faster than Michael Phelps. Our best athletes go into our best sports, Ern, not the ones that require a two hour drive outside the city each day. Phelps is simply the fastest swimmer with a car and involved parents.

-- public pool- Chicago

 

Overcast You can not possibly be mugged tonight- it’s raining. “I’m sorry?” Criminals hate bad weather as much as you. Look at a police blotter- you are more likely to be hit by lighting, than mugged, in the rain.

-- at illegal bar, under a highway, south of Chinatown

 

The Party Still Continues Weekend at Bernie’s II is the most important movie of all time. Yes, I’m serious- it was the first sequel to offer no justification for continuing the story. Before that, only huge blockbusters –great movies—were turned into sequels. Releasing a sequel for a bad movie was unthinkable. Producers lacked the gall. Weekend At Bernies IIs changed all that. There hasn’t been a movie that important since the introduction of sound.

-- Ray's Place

 

Game Changer Most important invention?- Easy. Missionary style sex. “What?” It created the very human race. Fuck no, Stan, I’m not just talking about how babies are made- I’m talking about the birth of a rational mind! No other animals face each other during sex. By looking at each other, we realized: other minds exist! The world exists beyond our appetites. People bring up the printing press, but, without missionary sex, we’d still be in trees.

-- Scorchers

 

Beloved A-1 Steak Sauce is the most universally accepted article on Earth. It is embraced more widely than even democracy and love.

-- Morton's Steakhouse

 

Nose to the Ground In a small to medium sized building, yes, I can track most men and all women by sense of smell.

-- The Nisei Lounge

 

Reprehensible At certain points in this country’s history, a man walking down the street with no hat would cause a full riot.

-- Ricochets Tavern

 

Heights Over most of the Earth’s surface, yes- I can survive a fall from a plane. “Ridiculous”. Actually, Chester, our bodies are so gangly –so lacking in aerodynamic properties– that we fall at incredibly slow speeds. If one were to lookup our terminal velocity, they’d find that it’s no faster than most rush hour commutes. “Your point?” From our perspective, falling out of a plane is no worse than falling four stories. I could definitely survive falling out of a plane on both poles- any where with snow. Most rainforests, too. It would be no worse than misjudging one’s jump onto a waterbed, I suspect.

-- Hotel Bar (20th floor)

 

Packaging The Tylenol Killer is personally responsible for global warming. “The dude from the 80s?” Yes, Tim. Because of him, even jams and mustards have six levels of safety seals. Consider all the plastic we waste ! Why, I remember, in the 80s, buying aspirin like they were so many loose screws- just dipping my hand into a bucket of them at pharmacies. That man has single handily ruined the planet.

-- The Sand Bar

 

Peril In the ancient world, if you were a man living by the sea, it was simply assumed that you would –at some point in your life– end up in the belly of a whale. Hence all the tales of how to exit a whale.

-- Windy City Inn

 

Equals The Beastie Boys are Vanilla Ice with better management.

-- Joe's Bar

 

Modern Meaning “Nazisim” has just become a compliment on being organized. There’s no hint of fascism or violence. Now-a-days, the guy with the best grasp of local time is called a ‘nazi’.

-- Schubas

 

Myth I don’t believe, for a moment, that many people watched “MASH”. Have you ever met a Nielsen Family, Kyle? Have you even met some one, who’s met some one from a Nielsen Family? Of course not- they don’t exist. I have a friend, who knows a guy, who was indicted on racketeering charges. I think the mafia, in real life, is easier to find to find than a Neilsen Family. Those ratings are straight lies.

-- Quenchers