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Creationists have answered the dinosaur question well enough: they were too big to fit on Noah's boat. The real question is: skunks and termites. A pair skunks would have caused a full scale, zoo-riot on that boat. And termites- I mean, it was made out of wood, right? -- St James Tavern
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The Catholic Church ruled the Middle Ages, mostly... because they were the only people in town with a clock. -- Old Saint Pat's Fest
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Sammy Sosa burned 700 calories per swing -- Wrigley Field
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The first theater that showed a “talkie” was ripped apart, after the audience thought it was haunted.
-- Loungers
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The greatest band of all time recorded exactly one song, which was so good, the music industry forced them to breakup. They were a band for exactly 45 minutes. -- The Coupa Lounge
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Whales evolved from deer.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it happened overnight, at least when you consider the timescale of a planet.
If you were to put two deer in the ocean, Ron, their grandchildren would be whales. That is a pure, scientfic fact.
-- Castaways
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Screw Emmanuel. I only vote for ugly candidates.
Well, see Franz, 'the game' is always a year ahead of us. Not the two parties, of course, but the bankers and grubstakers that truly run this country. No matter what we want --a war hero, a reformer, a charmer-- they will see it before even you do and have a matching candidate, waiting and ready to sell you out.
But there is a kind of person they will never anticipate you wanting; a kind of a person that is invisible to them: the unsightly.
Always vote for the ugly guy, Franz. He's on your side.
-- Paulie's Tavern
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There has never been a human who believed the Earth was flat. The ancients –perhaps even the cavemen—knew the Earth was spherical; they only sucked at drawing it. -- The Four Treys Bar
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I don’t believe, for a moment, that many people watched “MASH”.
Have you ever met a Nielsen Family, Kyle? Have you even met some one, who's met some one from a Nielsen Family? Of course not- they don’t exist.
I have a friend, who knows a guy, who was indicted on racketeering charges. In other words, the mafia, in real life, is easier to find to find than a Neilsen Family.
-- Quenchers
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There is a pepper in India so hot, the very act of spotting it would kill you. -- Ribfest
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At certain points in this country's history, a man walking down the street with no hat would cause a full riot. -- Ricochets Tavern
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The beaver is the only animal that looks more intimidating as a skeleton than as a living beast.
Most animals, when you strip them of muscle and hair and claws, just look thin and silly, but the beaver actually looks more terrifying. A lion itself would not attack the beaver, if it were to view its bones.
Second place?- Yes, Don, I do know, and it's the walrus.
-- Sally's Lounge
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Sammy Sosa burned 400 calories a swing -- Paddy O'Splaine's
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Cryogenics?- the science is bullet proof, but where are you going to find a company that will pay the electric bills for 5000 straight years? Sears has barely survived 50 years, continuously. No, I suspect you'd thaw out –go bad, like milk forgotten on a counter—when the company holding you loses files in a corporate take-over. -- Underbar
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The race to create the perfect cigarette has yielded more inventions than all space missions combined.
No, Gus, NASA rarely invented the products we attribute to them- rather, they licensed the technology. The cigarette companies, meanwhile, invented everything- and always on accident!
The modern kitchen was invented in tobacco experiments go awry, Gus. A lab technician leaves his work station at the wrong moment for a cigarette break, comes back –knocking over beakers the whole while—and, voila, zero calorie sweetners are invented!
-- The Corner Pocket
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In the traditional West, keeping the same bed room as your wife would land you in jail as a deviant. To them, it would be like hearing you hang from the ceiling, suspended naked by wanton strangers. They'd sooner put you in jail, then process the image. -- Housewarming party, Kansas City
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You can not walk more than five city blocks without being attacked by a pack of wild dogs in Detroit. They hand out bats, like most cities give maps, for walking. Man is no longer in charge, in Detroit. -- Goldies Cafe
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Poison's entire first album is an anti Vietnam epic. Yes, I've listened to it Fred- and it's straight up protest music. They were just so hilarious, in dress and behavior, we never noticed. Hell, I'm not sure they noticed. -- Old Town Pub
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Any NFL tight end could swim faster than Michael Phelps. Our best athletes go into our best sports, Ern, not the ones that require a two hour drive outside the city each day. Phelps is simply the fastest swimmer with a car and involved parents.
-- public pool- Chicago
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You can not possibly be mugged tonight- it’s raining. Criminals hate bad weather as much as you, Felix. Look at a police blotter- you are more likely to be hit by lighting, than mugged, in the rain. -- at illegal bar, under a highway, south of Chinatown
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