Why?

Who?

When?

 

Game Changer Most important invention?- Easy. Missionary style sex. "What?" It created the very human race. Fuck no, Stan, I'm not just talking about how babies are made- I'm talking about the birth of a rational mind! No other animals face each other during sex. By looking at each other, we realized: other minds exist! The world exists beyond our appetites. People bring up the printing press, but, without missionary sex, we'd still be in trees.

-- Scorchers (0 comments)

 

Beloved A-1 Steak Sauce is the most universally accepted article on Earth. It is embraced more widely than even democracy and love.

-- Morton's Steakhouse (0 comments)

 

Nose to the Ground In a small to medium sized building, yes, I can track most men and all women by sense of smell.

-- The Nisei Lounge (0 comments)

 

Heights Over most of the Earth's surface, yes- I can survive a fall from a plane. "Ridiculous". Actually, Chester, our bodies are so gangly --so lacking in aerodynamic properties-- that we fall at incredibly slow speeds. If one were to lookup our terminal velocity, they'd find that it's no faster than most rush hour commutes. "Your point?" From our perspective, falling out of a plane is no worse than falling four stories. I could definitely survive falling out of a plane on both poles- any where with snow. Most rainforests, too. It would be no worse than misjudging one's jump onto a waterbed, I suspect.

-- Hotel Bar (20th floor) (0 comments)

 

Packaging The Tylenol Killer is personally responsible for global warming. "The dude from the 80s?" Yes, Tim. Because of him, even jams and mustards have six levels of safety seals. Consider all the plastic we waste ! Why, I remember, in the 80s, buying aspirin like they were so many loose screws- just dipping my hand into a bucket of them at pharmacies. That man has single handily ruined the planet.

-- The Sand Bar (1 comments)

 

Peril In the ancient world, if you were a man living by the sea, it was simply assumed that you would --at some point in your life-- end up in the belly of a whale. Hence all the tales of how to exit a whale.

-- Windy City Inn (0 comments)

 

Equals The Beastie Boys are Vanilla Ice with better management.

-- Joe's Bar (0 comments)

 

Modern Meaning "Nazisim" has just become a compliment on being organized. There's no hint of fascism or violence. Now-a-days, the guy with the best grasp of local time is called a 'nazi'.

-- Schubas (0 comments)

 

Overlooked 'Eddie and Cruisers II' is 'The Blues Brothers', done right. Seriously- the whole movie is about getting a band back together.

-- The Long Room (0 comments)

 

Lake Effect Cleveland gets more snow than Alaska. "Impossible." No, it's quite true, Brady. See, people look at pictures of Alaska, with mounds of snow. What they forget is: it never drops below freezing in those areas. You are looking at history's snow. Why, that's all the snow Alaska received since the dawn of time. Annually, I wouldn't be surprised if Nashville gets more snow.

-- some snowy road, after last call (0 comments)

 

Unruffled In a crash, I'd probably be better than a pilot. "You don't know how to fly a plane, Sean." It's all about staying calm at that point.

-- Airport Chili's (0 comments)

 

Condiments Bad mayonnaise has killed more people than the plague, throughout history.

-- Wrigley Field (0 comments)

 

Apollo People always say, "we put a man on the moon!", like it was this great technical achievement. Hell, I can put a man on the moon. Getting him off is the real problem.

-- Green Door Tavern (0 comments)

 

Decided Pound for pound, Huey Lewis is better than Bruce Springsteen.

-- Diner Grill, 3 AM (0 comments)

 

Extra Innings Give me eight tough-as-nails men and I will give you history's first undefeated baseball team. I'd line up all defenders in an arch around the batter- a human wall. Yes, Bernie, kind of like a penalty kick- to block all hits. No, I don't see them dying. We forget: the pitch will arrive through a mere crack in the wall, at 90 miles per hour. The batter will have no chance.

-- Roses Lounge (0 comments)

 

Spurned Women can not handle the word, "moist".

-- Wrightwood Tap (0 comments)

 

Machines I can out run any animal in the world- backwards. "What?- Not a bear or cougar." Animals are tightly coiled machines, Tom, like mail sorters or ceiling fans. They have been perfected, by evolution, to do a single task well- nothing more. You could sooner speak in tongues before a cougar could run backwards.

-- Sunny Side Tap (0 comments)

 

Shackles With the possible exception of cigarettes, shoes are the most unhealthy thing humans have ever invented.

-- Emergency Room (0 comments)

 

The Third Sense It is impossible to be disgusted by the scent of your own fart. "What?" The sense of smell was developed to recognize danger, to alert you when a new threat entered the area. Your body knows that fart came from you, thus it dismisses it as a threat. To be disgusted by your own fart would violate the very laws of nature.

-- Monsignor Murphys (0 comments)