Sean Flannery

Visitors Locker Room Podcast back online!

Sean Flannery — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 07:24:56 +0000

The VLR’s podcast is finally back online after our radio station lost all its servers several weeks ago. Sorry for the delay. We have just begun the process of re-posting all our shows to the podcast so –right now– there are only a few episodes available, but that list will grow each day as we get caught up. Please bookmark the new link, or import it into iTunes, to get each episode as its available; and, more importantly, please share it with your friends if you enjoy the show.

visitorslockerroom.com/?feed=podcast

How Patton Would Kill The Hulk

Sean Flannery — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 12:36:54 +0000

The Hulk was just released on DVD and I’m dying to see it. Super hero movies have become my favorite genre to rent because they all have the same, hilarious DVD extra: a documentary on how the producers of the film spent a week with the US Military, sharing plans on how they would attack The Hulk (or Iron Man, or who ever else you’re watching). The documentaries are hilarious (you should never even bother watching a super hero movie in the theater- wait for the DVD), and always follow the same, uproarious pattern:

1) the uninquisitive marines refuse to believe the Hulk is stronger than their weapons,

–then–

2) some one inadvertently points out the soldiers should be working on some thing more important.

Basic Transcript of each Feature:

writer: “So, we just want to know how you would go about attacking The Hulk”.

marine: “we’d drop a vapor bomb on him”.

writer: “that wouldn’t do anything to the Hulk”.

marine: “he can’t survive a vapor bomb. Life can not survive its shock waves”.

writer: “The Hulk can”.

(this exchange repeats for 20 minutes, until some writer points out that two simultaneous wars are occurring off camera).

The Hulk was also my favorite super hero growing up for the same reason. I wanted to draw comics, as a child, so my dad took me to conventions where the artists would answer questions from fans. Occasionally, there would be insightful questions about the mood of an issue or the industry’s overall direction, but, mostly it was:

fan: “yeah, hi. As you know, The Hulk reached the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean in issue 272, but barely returned. But, then in Hulk 482, you had the Hulk reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean –which we all know is 20 miles deeper– without any explanation of how he handled the added pressure”

writer: “well, I just figured: he’s The Hulk.”

entire room (exploding): “FUCK YEA!!!! The Hulk!!!!”

In fact, fans comb through all Hulk issues, documenting each feat of strength by the Hulk in order to create a catalog of his super powers (not realizing that the writer just needed some bullshit solution to a problem and never intended for any one to remember the power after that issue). By far, the most hilarious recap of these super powers is, Engine of Destruction: The Official Fan Website of The Incredible Hulk. The following is a real list of the Hulk’s most hilarious super powers, all given by a strung out writer, looking to wrap up a story twenty minutes before his deadline:

1) the Hulk can not be hypnotized

2) the Hulk –no matter where he’s located in the world– can walk home without a map

3) the Hulk sees ghosts

4) the Hulk is immune to AIDs.

I would trade my car for a copy of the issue / episode where the Hulk learns he is immune to AIDs:

Before its Too Late

Sean Flannery — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 04:44:31 +0000

Updates in drunk political theories:

stranger: “Obama is the Republican’s worst nightmare. They won’t be able to attack him. They’re going to be too worried that they will look racist”.

me: “Trust me: they are not worried about that.”

–Peacock Liquors, early summer

I saw it coming folks!* Of course, it was easy for me to forecast the “racially tinged“, Republican attacks on Barack Obama because, every day between 2 and 3 PM, I skip work and sleep in the Technology section of the Harold Washington Library.

Harold Washington was Chicago’s first black mayor, winning office (by a thread) in the mid 80s. The (terrible) campaign slogan of his white, Republican opponent was, “Before Its Too Late”. That is NOT a joke- in the year of our Lord 1983, Harold Washington had to run against a crazy white man who kept screaming “before its too late!”**

So, sensing all of this *, I took the liberty of submitting several campaign slogans to the McCain / Palin ticket last month. Please keep your eye out for:

It won’t end with the presidency

Who would your grandpa have voted for?

I’m OK with it, but I’m worried how other countries will act.

I’m scared shitless

NOTES:

* no self-respecting blogger should be pointing out that he ‘predicted’ Republicans would have a problem with a black president

** Harold Washington’s Republican opponent, Bernard Epton, only lost by 4% of the vote with his ‘before its too late slogan’. To understand how impossibly-close that is: Chicago hasn’t elected a Republican mayor since 1931 and has only had 11 in its 170+ year history… ..by comparison, we have had 14 earthquakes. …Epton’s campaign still stands as the most successful, Republican campaign of all time for mayor of Chicago (in terms of absolute votes)

QUESTION TO DISNEY: did The Superbowl Shuffle fix all these racial problems in Chicago?

RESPONSE FROM DISNEY:

Drinking Buddy of Tom Brady’s father ruins NFL

Sean Flannery — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 01:47:27 +0000

Multiple sources are reporting that the New England Patriots are “steamed” at NFL MVP Tom Brady for choosing a “family doctor” for a knee surgery, particularly since Brady’s knee is now facing complications.

The Patriots are acting like Brady choose an unqualified, family friend to operate on his super-caliber knee. It turns out, this ‘family doctor’ is “one of the premier orthopedic surgeons in the country, if not the world”. His last surgery before Brady, was on the heavy weight champion of the World.

Nevertheless, the Patriots feel this doctor is nothing more than a small town bumpkin, who –because he fishes with Tom Brady’s dad– has now ruined all future Super Bowl plans.

How the Patriots see the operation:

VLR in Chicago Magazine

Sean Flannery — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:19:04 +0000

The Visitors Locker Room, the sports comedy show I co-host, was mentioned in this week’s Chicago Magazine, which had a special on Chicago’s best comedians. CJ Sullivan, who hosts the show with me, was profiled extensively.

VLR’s website is being rebuilt right now, due to problems with our radio station, but it will soon be back online with the full podcast, blogs and audio/video highlights. In the mean time, you can continue to listen to us live between 3-4 PM (CST).

He Aint Heavy- he’s my owner

Sean Flannery — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:46:30 +0000

Phonenix, AZ: Joe Stalnaker was saved today when his dog, Buddy, called 911 after Stalnaker collapsed during a seizure (full story). I hear these stories about once a year- some lucky idiot makes it into News of the Weird because “Merlin did exactly what I trained him to do and dialed 911″. I always laugh at the stories because pet-calling 911 is probably like everything else in life, meaning it does not work 90% of the time. Thus, for every one of these successes, there must be ten people who died watching their dog dial the wrong number.

The dumbest I ever felt was after carrying a couch up two flights of stairs, only to learn there was an elevator after meeting my first neighbor. Dying on the kitchen floor while your dog scrambles to find the cordless might be the only experience more disapointing:

Drinking Shrinks Brain- friends won’t leave me alone

Sean Flannery — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 18:07:19 +0000

A study released today (READ: “Drinking Protects Heart but Shrinks Brain”) concludes that alcohol –even in moderate amounts– shrinks the size of your brain beyond the normal, 2% per decade.

The study has already been forwarded to me by three people and its not even noon yet. Last year, I recieved the most messages after a study linked whiskey to healthy hearts. The year before, it was after a company announced a new beer tap that could pour full pints in under a second. During the same peroid, my son was born and my home town flooded- no messages.

Every message in my sent items today:

Named one of The Best Chicago Comics

Sean Flannery — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 04:41:38 +0000

This was just forwarded to me by good friend Dan Telfar, who was also named one of the Chicago’s best standup comedians:

full article: http://www.examiner.com/x-404-Chicago-Comedy-Examiner~y2008m9d29-The-Best-Chicago-Comics

Blog Changes

Sean Flannery — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 04:15:40 +0000

I’m going to try a new blogging routine that focuses on regularly updating the site (at least daily I hope) with shorter pieces. Additionally, some of the posts might be pure opinion rather than comedy, but hopefully this new format will proof to be interesting and, more importantly, hopefully the funny stuff over-balances the other attempts.

I’d be EXTERMELY interested in hearing any feedback –positive or negative– that you have on the blogs and new format.

So, that said, here (”Purple Hearted Poindexters”) is my first stab at this new format:

Purple Heart Poindexters

Sean Flannery — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 03:24:07 +0000

“When the Atlanta Braves call offering pitching, hang up the phone”
–baseball adage (since the Braves are always perfect in evaluating pitching)

“When a political party runs a war hero, hang up the phone”
–Sean Flannery (drunkenly proclaimed after Bob Dole looses in landslide)

Folks, this election is pretty important to me. If McCain looses (and he now trails by double digits in the latests polls), my off-handed argument at some bar in 1996 will finally be validated! That notion, which I immediately named “The Duty Contestant Theory” after recognizing its importance, is that war heroes are chosen by their parities in a moment of emotional panic after loosing the previous election. Consequently, these candidates –these Purple Heart Poindexters– are ignored by everyone, like a new boyfriend chosen right after a bad breakup They simply complete a cycle, without any one even learning their name (NOTE: I wrecked my car after, not before, developing the Duty Contestant Theory, so the incident with Osbourne Towing and the Stow Police Department, should not be used to dismiss this argument).

(click for full size)

ADDENDUM: as you can see, the Republicans are violating the cycle’s natural steps by submitting a Poindexter four years too early. This is –presumably– because there are no competent politicians available within the Bush administration, thus the Republicans had to skip a step; which means, in 2016 after 8 years of Obama, the Republicans are going to blow the roof off this cycle with the hottest candidate you have ever seen. I fully expect it to be a female actress with at least four frontal nudity scenes under her belt. She will win in a landslide.